Quick question. When was the last time someone told you something about your leadership that genuinely stung?
Not the “great job on the presentation” stuff. The real stuff. The thing your team talks about in the car park after the meeting. If you can’t remember, I hate to be the one to say it, but that’s not a good sign. It doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means people have stopped telling you.
I learned this the hard way. Years ago, in a senior HR role, I was convinced I was the approachable one. Open door. Always available. Then a woman on my team (brave, brilliant, and about six months from resigning) sat in my office and told me I was so busy fixing everyone’s problems that nobody felt they could bring me a half-formed idea. I didn’t feel approachable to them. I felt like a judge.
I went home and cried into a glass of wine. Then I went back the next morning and thanked her. She’s one of the reasons I do what I do.
The higher you go, the quieter it gets
This is the bit nobody puts in the leadership brochure. Every promotion buys you a little more silence. People start editing what they say to you. They laugh a bit louder at your jokes. They tell you the project is “on track” when it is very much not on track.
And you, being human, quite like the quiet. Who wouldn’t? But the quiet is where blind spots grow. And blind spots are expensive. They cost you good people, trust, and usually your sleep.
Most of us are terrible at feedback (both ways)
Let’s be honest about what actually happens.
When we give feedback, we either:
- wait so long it comes out as a pressure-cooker explosion, or
- wrap it in so much fluff that the person walks out thinking they got a pay rise.
When we receive feedback, we:
- explain why they’re wrong,
- explain why it wasn’t our fault,
- nod politely and change absolutely nothing.
I’ve done all of them. Some of them this year
So here’s what actually works
1. Stick to what the camera saw. Most feedback goes wrong because we hand over our story instead of the facts. “You’re disengaged” is a story. “You’ve had your camera off in the last four team meetings and haven’t spoken” is what a camera would have recorded. One starts a fight. The other starts a conversation. Strip out the adjectives, the motives and the “you always.” What’s left is feedback someone can actually do something with.
2. Ask a better question. “Any feedback for me?” gets you a polite “No, all good!” every single time. Try this instead: “What’s one thing I could do differently that would make your job easier?” Then shut up. Count to ten in your head if you have to. The good stuff usually comes after the awkward pause.
3. Say thank you, and nothing else. Not “thanks, but…” Not “I see why you’d think that, however…” Just thank you. You can process it, disagree with it, or have a little sook about it later. In the moment, your only job is to make it safe for them to do it again.
4. Go back and close the loop. This is the step almost everyone skips, and it’s the one that builds trust. Two weeks later: “You told me I jump in too fast in meetings. I’ve been trying to hold back. Have you noticed a difference?” Now you’re the leader people want to give feedback to. That’s rare. That’s gold.
5. Don’t save it for the review. If someone hears something for the first time in their annual performance review, that’s not on them. That’s on you. Feedback is a weekly habit, not a yearly event.
6. Remember it’s a gift, not a verdict. Feedback tells you how you landed with one person on one day. It’s data, not your identity. Take what’s useful. Leave the rest.
But what about the stuff people won’t say to your face?
Even with all of the above, some things won’t come out in a one-on-one. Power is power. Your team still has mortgages
That’s exactly why I built the Human Leader Index™ 360 (coming 17th November
It asks the people around you (your manager, your peers, your team) how you really show up across seven areas of human leadership:
- Composure & clarity. Do you stay steady when it all goes sideways?
- Care & connection. Do people feel you actually see them?
- Judgement & insight. Do you make the call, and make it well?
- Courage & accountability. Do you have the hard conversations, or avoid them?
- Delivery & development. Do you get results and grow people?
- Impact & influence. What do you leave behind when you leave the room?
- Energy & mindset. Is your attitude lifting the team or draining it?
It’s confidential, so people tell the truth. And you don’t get a report dumped in your inbox to stew over at 11 pm. We debrief it together, work out what matters, and turn it into a plan you’ll actually use.
Some of it will make you proud. Some of it will sting. Both are useful.
👉 Book your Human Leader Index™ 360 here
Or just hit reply and tell me a bit about your team. I read every one.
Because the leaders I admire most aren’t the ones who never get it wrong. They’re the ones who want to know when they do.
Go and ask someone a better question this week. Then let me know what they said.
Sonia x
P.S. If you’re thinking “this would be great for my leadership team,” it would. We run the Human Leader Index™ for whole teams, too. Reply with “TEAM” and I’ll send you the details.