Are you a Giver, Taker or Matcher?

After months of reaching out to Sarah, the HR manager, we had pretty much given up. Our emails, calls, and requests were met with silence. I’d been genuinely interested in connecting, thinking we could support each other’s work, but it was clear she had no interest in responding.

Then, out of nowhere, Sarah reached out. Her message was urgent, explaining that she’d recently lost her job and needed our help — maybe a reference, a connection, or advice on where to look next. Suddenly, she was all ears and eager to meet, ready to pick up a conversation that had never truly started.

It didn’t take long to realise Sarah’s pattern. She wasn’t interested in maintaining connections; she only reached out when it benefited her. Realising this, we felt a mix of empathy and caution. It was a lesson in boundaries, a reminder that true connections go beyond needs and emergencies. Sarah’s story taught us to be wise about who we invest our time in, saving our energy for people who value relationships in both good times and bad.

Giver and Takers

The dynamic between givers and takers can be powerful, especially in leadership and community settings. Here’s a breakdown of how these roles typically play out and how they impact organizations and relationships:

1. Givers: Tend to be generous with their time, resources, and knowledge, often putting others’ needs before their own. They find fulfilment in supporting, mentoring, and uplifting others, driven by empathy, kindness, and purpose. In the workplace, givers contribute to a positive culture, fostering collaboration and loyalty. However, without boundaries, givers risk burnout, as they may overextend themselves, especially if they don’t prioritize self-care.
2. Takers: Focus on maximizing their gains, often without reciprocating support or help to others. They may excel in competitive environments, achieving individual success but often at the expense of team morale or trust. While they can be ambitious and driven, takers can create toxic environments if their actions breed resentment or foster a “me-first” mentality.
3. Matchers (a middle ground) balance giving and taking, helping those who help them but expecting reciprocity. They can serve as connectors, ensuring fairness and encouraging mutual support within a team.

In Leadership:

• Great leaders often find a balance between giving and taking, knowing when to support others and when to assert their own needs.
• They inspire givers to set boundaries, helping them avoid burnout, and they guide takers to recognise the importance of collective success.
• Leadership that celebrates giving — within healthy boundaries — can create a culture where everyone thrives, fostering loyalty, resilience, and a shared commitment to growth.

Jake was a client who seemed perfect at first. He was charismatic, driven, and seemed genuinely excited to work together. But soon, I noticed a familiar pattern. Jake only reached out when he wanted more, always pushing the boundaries of our agreement with a “quick favour” or a “small addition” here and there.

Jake had this way of making each new request sound urgent and essential as if the success of his entire project depended on it. He’d toss in a compliment or two, making it hard to refuse, but it became clear: he wasn’t looking for a collaborative partnership. Jake wanted all the perks without the commitment to a fair exchange. Each “small ask” piled up until I gave way more than I signed up for.

Recognising Jake’s taker tendencies was a game-changer for me. Setting boundaries became a priority, and I learned to assert my value and time. He taught me that successful client relationships don’t rely on one-sided demands but on respect and reciprocity. When that’s missing, I realised sometimes the best thing you can do is step away.

Who is more Successful?

In terms of success, givers can often end up at both extremes of the spectrum: some are incredibly successful, while others may struggle. This depends largely on how they balance their giving nature with self-care, boundaries, and strategic choices.

1. Successful Givers: Those who achieve success know how to set boundaries and focus their giving in areas where they can make the most impact. They’re often seen as trustworthy, inspiring others to support them in return, which builds a network of allies and champions. When givers learn to be intentional about whom they help, they often gain influence, loyalty, and respect, leading to long-term success.
2. Successful Takers: Takers can also find short-term success, especially in highly competitive fields where ambition and self-interest are rewarded. However, their success may come at a cost, as people often become wary of them over time. If relationships deteriorate, they may struggle with long-term stability and support.
3. Matchers: Matchers who balance giving with reciprocity tend to achieve moderate, steady success. They build a fair and sustainable network of relationships and encourage a culture of mutual support.

Research by Adam Grant, author of Give and Take, found that givers who balance boundaries and focus on high-impact contributions are often the most successful in the long run. This blend of generosity and assertiveness enables them to build lasting, meaningful success without burning out.

Let me tell you about Emily, a true giver. Emily was the kind of person who went above and beyond for everyone, never expecting anything in return. She was always there, whether staying late to help a colleague meet a deadline, offering thoughtful advice, or just lending a listening ear. Her genuine kindness made people feel seen and valued.

But here’s what made Emily different: she gave without boundaries, eventually wearing her down. People began to rely on her too heavily, assuming she’d always be there to pick up the slack. It wasn’t long before Emily felt stretched thin, juggling her work and everyone else’s needs. The weight of constantly helping others took a toll, and she started feeling overlooked and exhausted.

One day, she realised that giving doesn’t have to mean sacrificing herself. Emily decided to set boundaries — she still gave, but she was thoughtful about how much and to whom. She invested in relationships where the support was mutual and didn’t hesitate to say no when she needed to protect her time.

This shift didn’t make her any less of a giver; in fact, it made her even stronger. Emily found a balance where she could still lift others without losing herself. Her story taught me that being a giver isn’t about giving endlessly; it’s about giving wisely in ways that create lasting, positive connections for both sides.

How to be a Giver and Matcher

Being both a giver and a matcher can create a balanced relationship approach, especially in leadership and personal growth. Here’s how to achieve this blend effectively:

1. Identify Opportunities to Give Wisely

• Give with Boundaries: Be generous, but avoid overcommitting. Recognise when giving could lead to burnout or depletion. Offer help that aligns with your strengths and time.
• Focus on Impact: Give where it counts. Prioritize giving in areas where you can make the biggest difference—offering insights, mentoring, or resources.

2. Match Energy in Collaboration

• Reciprocate Efforts: In group settings, match the enthusiasm and efforts of others. If someone supports you, reciprocate in kind. This creates a balance and fosters mutual respect.
• Set Clear Expectations: To avoid being taken advantage of, clearly communicate expectations in relationships. This ensures that giving isn’t mistaken for unlimited resources.

3. Empower Others to Give

• Encourage a Give-and-Take Culture: Inspire those around you to give by leading by example and allow them space to contribute. When others see you as generous yet balanced, they’ll feel encouraged to step up and give, too.
• Recognise and Appreciate Contributions: Acknowledge the efforts of those who give back, which fosters a cycle of giving and motivates others to continue the exchange.

4. Use Matching as a Tool for Growth

• Adapt to Situations: There are times when matching is strategic—especially when building relationships. Gauge the other person’s approach, and if they’re guarded or cautious, match their pace to foster trust.
• Focus on Fairness: Sometimes, it’s essential to match energy to ensure fairness and build equal partnerships. Matching can be as simple as reciprocating in small gestures, like supporting a colleague’s project when they helped with yours.

By practising giving within your capacity and matching where it matters, you’ll build balanced, meaningful relationships that foster respect and avoid burnout. This approach makes you generous yet grounded—powerfully impactful in leadership and in life.

So here’s the bottom line: when they play their cards right, generous givers get the gold— without the burnout. They leave a legacy, while takers leave empty goodwill jars behind. Whether you’re giving, taking, or matching, success comes to those who know how to balance heart with hustle. Remember: be bold, be generous, but don’t be a doormat. The ones who really win know exactly when to lean in, and when to hold their own.